Home Sweet Gnome

Late last year I had what some might call an ‘ephiphany’. After a couple of years of chat about moving house and re-locating my business I one day awoke and decided to day is the day! During the following week or two I cleaned, sorted, chucked and donated all manner of superfluous ‘stuff’ (on one of my wardrobe clearing stints I managed to relinquish 18, yes 18 pairs of jeans). I then made some calls to various estate agents and financial advisors. Two weeks later I was in a blind panic to find a new retail premises and a new home. Somewhat serendipitously it was the commercial agent I had contacted to assist in finding a new retail site who had sold my Primrose Hill shop and flat, it was a smooth and quick transaction. My Retail agent could not however assist in my domestic dilemma. I made some more calls and I searched the Internet. I found a house; the vendor clearly believed he had something more special than I did. I made more calls, I sat on a beach for four days and I bought a house without viewing it. That’s correct I bought the most expensive asset most people own in their life without actually seeing it save for a couple of pictures in an email on my phone viewed while seated poolside in a bikini cocktail in hand.

Fast-forward it is late June, the builders left 5 weeks ago there are 3 pictures up on one wall, no sofa and plenty boxes still to unpack. I now await a joiner to build some cupboards; my friend met the joiner’s friend in the park while dog walking. I haven’t met the joiner; I have given vicarious instructions.

Last weekend a family friend came to visit ‘the new house’. She particularly loved the garden, probably because it is the only space that does not resemble a beautifully painted storage unit. “Gillian I love the garden” (it does actually look rather good, simple, elegant and green; newly planted sweet peas, lavender and something with purple flowers all in old terracotta pots) the family friend continues; “You need a Gnome, I am going to buy you a Gnome”. Please be advised this is a close family friend I need not stand on ceremony, I need not be overly polite: “No thank you”. “What do you mean no thank you, I’m going to send you a lovely Gnome”, me; “Really no need, No thank you. I don’t want a gnome”. Her (laughing mischievously); “ what if I just send it to you?”. Me; “well, I suppose I would just send it right back… unless it had a terrible accident, fell off the wall….”.

Obviously I have quite wonderful style and taste in home wares, garden ornamentation, fashion et al, and would never ever entertain something so gauche as a garden gnome. While out on a shop buying trip earlier this week someone slipped something in to my tea.